Signs of Support from the Other Side

Since Betsy died I’ve been looking for signs of her, it’s seemed like there haven’t been that many and I’ve blamed myself as usual.  I’ve made blaming myself for everything a habit my entire life, I’ve thought that my grief was just too much to feel her around me or to notice ways in which I’m offered help from those who have gone before me. 

Yesterday a very good friend of mine was in a crisis and I was able to make the hard decisions to assist her to get help that would keep her safe for now and hopefully in the future.  I love her very much, the only thing I couldn’t do was go to her home because of my needs.  I may lose her as a friend but I knew I had to do something to save her.  And of course I didn’t do it, I made phone calls to enable others to help her.  I think what surprised me was how calm I felt all day yesterday, calm and strong.  But today, I’m falling apart about it, which is ok.  I also need time to grieve and let my fear for her out in emotional ways.

I know I got some kind of help yesterday to keep that calm, cool persona I had, I wanted to panic but knew I couldn’t do that.  So somehow someone was giving me strength but I’m not sure who, it could have been Betsy or one or all of my relatives too.

I’ve also heard from a friend of hers, he saw a little girl, about 2-3, who resembled Betsy and was acting like her.  He said she was complimenting him and the other men working with him and then told him he was a very nice man.  He and Betsy were good friends at work.  Her mom said she’s always been like this and they don’t know where she got if from.  So, could it be her, I don’t know of course, but if it is, I wish her the happiest life full of love.  She’d be a great joy to that family. 

Love to Betsy, all my friends in this world and other worlds…Mama Deafy

Mixed Up Feelings…

Since my last post, I’ve gone to France for the first time and had surgery on my ankle to remove a cyst in my tarsal tunnel and have repairs done to my achilles tendon. In that time, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster…

We arrived in Paris on March 23, 2013, the 2 year, 9 month anniversary of Betsy’s death. I was thrilled to be in Paris, but wept because she wasn’t with me. Although it has been a dream of my lifetime to be in Paris and France, she and I had planned to go there together. I was very busy and exhausted in Paris and did as much as I could to push it out of my head, but when we left Paris for Northern France I couldn’t stop thinking about her. While I didn’t let it damage my enjoyment of the country and my awe at all I saw, I allowed myself some time to grieve her loss, I think that was ok and should have been expected. I was very overwhelmed to be there without her. I also knew that she was watching over me and with me, enjoying every step of the trip with me.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve had time to think and talk with my mom about her more. We all miss her so much and it’s torn our family apart. We are all hurting so much from her loss, but each of us in our own way. And I feel torn apart since so many of the family aren’t speaking to one another, I feel like we’ve just lost each other. It’s really tough to realize the impact one person has on so many people. I do realize that we are all still early in the grieving process, I don’t know if I’ll ever be totally out of it. There is a deep pain in my heart that will never subside and never be filled. But I know that I am loved and cared for by others which is enough.

I’m working now on trying to focus on rebuilding a life for me. I can’t suffer like this any longer. She wouldn’t want me to any more than I would want her to if I were the one in that accident. So, it’s time to change things up for real and learn to handle my grief in some way that I can live with it and function in a normal way like others do, just one day at a time.

Love you my dear daughter…Mama Deafy

Dreams…

Dreams can have two different meanings, they can be things we wish to do, things we wanted to do when we were younger or wished we had to courage to do, or the things we have a night. A few things are happening or happened to me which are dreams.

Last Wednesday night I had a dream about Betsy, she was young, school age young, I was with her at school but had no real idea about what was happening in the class. She had pig tails and wore a dress, but I don’t know what the color was, but I couldn’t see her face, just knew it was her. She kept wanting me to be near her, if they sat on the carpet, I had to be next to her or behind her. At one point I began to cry in my dream and she took my face in her hands, looked at me and said, don’t cry, please don’t cry, I felt like I could feel her but couldn’t see her, it was strange, but I felt so happy to spend time with her, but missed her so much. Then the dream went on, I was helping other kids in the room. next thing I knew, my brother and Amy were there in camo jackets from Duck Dynasty and Betsy was gone. But I did know or felt like she was with me. My dreams of her don’t occur often and they feel so real to me, but I can’t figure out if they are or not.

My other dream is going to France, which I’ve wanted to do since I was young. While I’m happy to be going, I also feel a bit sad about it because Betsy and I planned to go to Europe together for me first time there. While I know I can’t change what happened and bring her back, I feel so badly about going without her. We would have had so much fun together, she just had a way about her of making everything so much fun. She would do things like notice odd stuff like I do, hardly anyone else does that. She took cool photos of her making funny faces and leaping up, showing how happy she was to be in places she visited, I want to be able to do similar things, but am not sure that I’ll be able to do that. And the first day we arrive will be an anniversary day, so as excited as I’ll be, I know I’ll be thinking of her accident and the way I learned of her death. I always do, I just can’t help it, it was the worst day of my life. I keep wanting to be brave for her, be strong and I’m getting better with so many things, but I also fail in many ways that she tried to encourage me. I really have to try harder for her.

I love you Betsy.

Had a dream of Betsy last night, I know she was there, but I can’t quite remember what was happening except something with filling my tires with air. I’ve been thinking of her a lot, not always with tears, but a feeling of emptiness.  My life is seems so empty without her around.  My home is so quiet that I won’t sleep at night without the television on.  I have it on all the time, I can’t have the silence here.  She filled this space with herself.  After her workouts at the gym, she’d come home, eat an enormous bowl of Cheerios, then shower.  Then she’d jabber about her to do list.  She was the queen of to-do-lists, every single thing she wanted to do for the day was on her list, down to TV shows she wanted to watch, Betsy was so organized.  She’s also decorate each page so it was attractive to her.  Often, she’d just share her day, sometimes we’d talk about her school, her dreams, her worries about her boyfriend, her friends, her future, just all the things a normal 21 year old would think about.  She’d also help me too, giving me advice about how to handle my problems, she was a smart, insightful young woman.  She had her own ideas about a lot of things and was hard to sway. 

As time marches on, my searing pain is different.  For awhile I thought it was easing, but I realize that I’ve just buried it.  I have moved on in some things, but I’ve changed in some others that I’ve realized that I have to make some other changes to my life too.  I can have fun, I listen more, am trying to interrupt less, am more calm and less worried about my own death and dying, have signed up to volunteer, reading for my doctoral degree again, playing with the dogs, eating well again, planning a way to honor my daughter; however I also know that I need a change of career, my current job is just too stressful for me and I no longer care to fight for it, I know who my friends are and have let go of those who are not really my friends and don fret about the change in our relationships, I know I only am control of my feelings, thoughts, and actions.

I still have work to do on myself, but I’m getting to be a better me, which is great.  I’ll always carry a measure of deep grief for my Betsy, how could I not, and that’s changed me.  While I work to live my dreams, I think of her and what we’ve lost but try to move on because I have no other choice and I have to do this alone because it’s just me and the dogs. 

 

Apprehension Building

Each month I begin to feel strange around the 16th or so of the month until the 23rd, Betsy died on June 23, 2010. This didn’t happen right away of course, I was too shocked at losing my daughter, I was numb all the time. But gradually I began to sort of function in a more normal way (not really, but closer) until mid-month. I begin to feel jittery, melancholy, unfocused, exhausted, and just odd. Sometimes I can’t figure out why I feel like this, but then I remember the 23rd is approaching and I can’t stand it. I’m so restless I can’t relax, but I’m so tired I don’t want to do stuff, but I can’t just sit. It’s as if I’ve gone into overdrive to avoid thinking about the accident or missing her so much. I think part of this is because I really can’t talk about her to anyone, they just don’t want to do it (my family) and I’m afraid to burden my friends. So I put it in a box and hide it away which isn’t good for me at all. I have to get back to a grief group on a regular basis.

Wondering

I’m watching Long Island Medium, wondering if these people are for real.  I did go to a medium once after Betsy died.  I have a tape of our session.  I didn’t know this woman, she had nothing but my first name.  She knew things about Betsy and I that she couldn’t have found out on-line.  It was very odd.  I wonder because she told me that Betsy was around me all the time.  My meditation teacher also said she could sense Betsy’s energy with me when I was in her sessions.  But I never feel her around me.  I sometimes have dreams, but I just can’t feel her presence.  I just have to wonder if any other parents feel like me or are able to feel their child with them. 

My Birthday

Today is my birthday and I have mixed feelings about it because Betsy isn’t here. Before my 50th birthday Betsy and I were planning to have a big celebration for me. I still had a party, but a smaller one at my home instead of the big party she and I were going to plan. My birthday was never a big deal in my family and still really isn’t, a fact that has made me feel badly, especially when I see my friends have elaborate celebrations with their families and friends.

I made sure Betsy’s birthday was always something very special for her. For her last birthday we went to Hofbrauhouse in Pittsburgh, a german beer garden. We had a nice dinner with the entire family and her boyfriend, with a ice cream cake. Then she went out with her friends. I believe I’ve already written about that story. I’ve always made a big to do over her birthday to make her feel special, I guess that’s what I want for me. I do usually have dinner with my mom and stepfather, but the rest, it’s just another day. I guess I need to gather my friends together for a birthday dinner next year, maybe I won’t feel so bad.