Since Betsy died I’ve been looking for signs of her, it’s seemed like there haven’t been that many and I’ve blamed myself as usual. I’ve made blaming myself for everything a habit my entire life, I’ve thought that my grief was just too much to feel her around me or to notice ways in which I’m offered help from those who have gone before me.
Yesterday a very good friend of mine was in a crisis and I was able to make the hard decisions to assist her to get help that would keep her safe for now and hopefully in the future. I love her very much, the only thing I couldn’t do was go to her home because of my needs. I may lose her as a friend but I knew I had to do something to save her. And of course I didn’t do it, I made phone calls to enable others to help her. I think what surprised me was how calm I felt all day yesterday, calm and strong. But today, I’m falling apart about it, which is ok. I also need time to grieve and let my fear for her out in emotional ways.
I know I got some kind of help yesterday to keep that calm, cool persona I had, I wanted to panic but knew I couldn’t do that. So somehow someone was giving me strength but I’m not sure who, it could have been Betsy or one or all of my relatives too.
I’ve also heard from a friend of hers, he saw a little girl, about 2-3, who resembled Betsy and was acting like her. He said she was complimenting him and the other men working with him and then told him he was a very nice man. He and Betsy were good friends at work. Her mom said she’s always been like this and they don’t know where she got if from. So, could it be her, I don’t know of course, but if it is, I wish her the happiest life full of love. She’d be a great joy to that family.
Love to Betsy, all my friends in this world and other worlds…Mama Deafy