Keeping a New Focus

I’m trying to keep a new focus going, I know it’s not always going to be easy because losing Betsy isn’t like losing a pair of socks, but like losing a part of my soul and heart.  Some part of me is deeply changed and I have to really face those emotions of how that feels before I can truly move forward.  I know how the pain and hurt feels of her being gone, that feels as if someone ripped my heart out of my body and left me empty of any feeling or caring for anything that could happen to me.  I know longer care for holidays, parties, or any type of celebration as I used to.

Those things used to be big events for her and I.  Especially Halloween, we’d decorate our yard with all of her old costumes, stuffing them with newspaper and rags.  I’d get hay, corn stalks, that fake spider web stuff, why we even had purple lights on the house.  The dogs had costumes, I’d play creepy music during trick-or-treating..We loved it so much that my sister started to buy me Halloween stuff for gifts.  But now, I don’t even have one item hung up, I haven’t given out candy or treats since she died.  The dog costumes have been thrown away.  I have a few of her costumes left, but can’t bear to see them because it reminds me of how full of life this house once was, of how much fun we had together.

How do I capture a different type or sense of joy in my life now without feeling this sadness swell up in my chest?  My hands shake as I even write this because I haven’t a clue as to how to find a measure or satisfaction in my day to day life.  Things just seem to get worse and worse.  Shouldn’t I catch a break??

Reflections That Have Been On My Mind

HPIM1085

So, a lot has been going on with me, signs that I’m returning to a new me.  I’m kind of ok with that.  I knew that eventually I would be trying to put the pieces of my life back together again, but a recent event made me realize that I wasn’t really doing things the way I wanted to do them.  Since this fabulous, wonderful, beautiful young woman left this world to go on with the rest of her soul’s journey, I’ve only been existing.  In some ways, it’s understandable, she was everything to me.  My only child, the deep love I have for her will never die and the pain and loneliness I feel from missing her will never leave me.  But I also know that I am doing her a grave disservice when I cannot be places and truly have fun or feel happiness because she isn’t there.

If I were gone, I’d want her to go on full force with her life.  I’ve only been half-heartedly going through mine.  It won’t be a betrayal of her if I learn to be happy without her, it will be honoring her sense of fun.  And I deserve to live more than half a life, she deserves to see me being strong and tough, like she was…all those things I told her that she was, I need to tell myself.  Just because I didn’t hear them from anyone but her, doesn’t mean I can’t nurture myself now like I nurtured Betsy.  I think she’d want it that way.  I can honor her by living, not by waiting until I die.

Love you forever Betsy…<3 <3 <3

Beat Goes On…

Things have been very hectic for me lately, Dad has been having health issues, nothing life threatening now, but almost was.  But the pangs of missing Betsy have been strong for me this summer.  As I work to get the things done for him, I think and wonder who will be around for me when and if I reach Dad’s age.  It’s a scary, lonely thought now because before I thought Betsy would be there with a family of her own, but now it’s just really me and my one brother doing all the taking care of Dad stuff.  

One brother hasn’t even called him, another brother and sister live out of town, so they can’t really help.  I suppose, I just feel lost and confused because I’m still expected to be the one to help when someone can’t figure anything out, but when I need them, nobody can be there for me.  As much as I love them, it’s hard to keep living like this knowing that I have very few emotional outlets.  Or even the respect of some who fail to realize the amount of work I really need to do.  

How I wish things were different for me and Betsy was here.  She would at least talk to me, even if she didn’t live here any more.  I feel so lonely without her presence in this house.  Sometimes, I want to be so strong and make her proud of me, but then I wonder what for?  There’s nobody to notice or care…then my common sense clicks in and I realize that I do have people who care, in big ways, but I just don’t see them or reach out for help as I should so I wind up feeling like I do now.  For once, I want someone to take care of me..

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

Feeling Sad and Overwhelmed…

Yesterday marked another month that Betsy’s been gone…it’s now 4 years 2 months. It seems like it’s been forever, but I know that in terms of other parents who have gone through this, my time has just begun. I guess the thing that is getting me so sad and sorrowful about it is that these feelings never change. Regardless of what I try to do, it’s still the same. Things in my life just seem to get worse, not better. The struggle to go through each day just continues and is just so damn hard. I feel so isolated from everyone and I really am isolated because of how things are in my life right now.

I want to change things, but get so overwhelmed with everything that I feel like I just can’t handle all of it by myself. But in this frame of mind and with the weight I have on my body, how can I ever find people or a person who would want to be with me long term??? I can’t stand the loneliness…I think that’s what I miss about her so much, is her presence with me and our friendship. It is horrible losing my friend and daughter. There’s nobody who could push me like she could or support me like she could either. And I don’t want to be strong everyday, I just want her back. Love you forever Betsy…<3 <3 <3

New Realizations…

In the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been taking care of my sister, her son, their dog, and their cat (who was not welcome to come, but was brought here anyway)…she needed to have an ankle replacement and I felt as though I needed to help her because she and my mother have a strained relationship.

However, in this time, I’ve come to realize that both she and my mom are completely selfish. My mom because she claimed she would help out, but will not now because she doesn’t like how my sister treats her. My sister for all kinds of reasons…but I suppose the big issue is what I am going to do about it.

It’s difficult for me to be at this point in my life for I didn’t think I would be contemplating cutting off ties with both of them however, my mental state and future health and progress in life is being affected by these people. If they were just any people, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them because of the way they behave and act. It’s not that I don’t love them, but it’s toxic for me and my health.

Losing Betsy was the most devastating, painful event I can ever imagine and as I work to create a different life for myself the last thing I need is to hold on to people because they are just there. The hard part is how to disengage myself without being hurtful to them and I don’t see how that is going to happen. My sister will be easy, once she doesn’t need me, I won’t hear from her. But my mom is different, she’s more clingy to us kids and I just want to be able to do what I want without her rudeness and opinions and desire to see me stop me from doing those things I need to do for myself. Since I know I’m not promised tomorrow, I don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like I’ve lost the most important person in my life, then another relationship that I valued due to her and I refuse to lose anymore.

I think Betsy would be proud of the strength that I’ve gained…love you Betsy forever <3 <3 <3

Four Years…

My eyes are blurring with tears as I begin to write this post, every detail from that day in 2010 in burned in my memory, never to be forgotten, I get a sick feeling when I remember the events as they unfolded.  Some of them are bittersweet, knowing I was the last person to talk to her, relief that I did get to say I love you to her and she to me one last time, although we didn’t know that at the time.  But the sheer magnitude of my loss still exists deep within me, locked up inside because I rarely take or am given a chance to let myself grieve.  

I’m still dismayed and disappointed that my family would give me and my feelings so little care in this matter.  I find myself discovering new ways to solve my issues thus becoming a new person who is able to deal with them, but in new detached ways so they hurt me less and less.  However, it is so sad that I feel as if my life is meant to be alone with little love and closeness to others.  I know it’s not the way I am built, Betsy and I had a life that was founded on love, joy, and respect which is rare for me now.  While I do not wish to change the core of my being, I believe there may come a time where I find myself separated from these family members because I cannot stand the hurt any longer.  I cannot be everything to them and without any feeling back to me.  This is a selfish, egoist statement, it’s not right, I need to open myself to receive goodness and love from other sources.  

Love you Betsy, forever and forever…<3 <3 <3

Fourth Anniversary Eve…

Although I truly believe that the Creator has planned everything for me, my weak ego complains today because I miss my daughter so much.  It’s not like I don’t miss her more today than any other day of the year, but thinking today more about the events of that horrible day 4 years ago, makes me more aware of just how empty my life is without her.  Of course I feel more able to function in life now than I did then, but I know I’m not the same person I was before June 23, 2010.  It’s almost like someone took a hammer to my life and pounded it all away.  Now I have this new existence that is duller, more serious, but more precious to me.  I’ve noticed the petty little things don’t always bother me as much, but sometimes I have the same stupid reaction then I remember that it just isn’t worth it.  There is only one thing I know, there is nothing that is as important as the people who are in are lives.  They are there for reasons we don’t even understand, nothing is an accident.  We need to connect more, love more, forgive more, and allow each other into the hearts and minds of each other because that’s what’s important in life.  

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3