Beat Goes On…

Things have been very hectic for me lately, Dad has been having health issues, nothing life threatening now, but almost was.  But the pangs of missing Betsy have been strong for me this summer.  As I work to get the things done for him, I think and wonder who will be around for me when and if I reach Dad’s age.  It’s a scary, lonely thought now because before I thought Betsy would be there with a family of her own, but now it’s just really me and my one brother doing all the taking care of Dad stuff.  

One brother hasn’t even called him, another brother and sister live out of town, so they can’t really help.  I suppose, I just feel lost and confused because I’m still expected to be the one to help when someone can’t figure anything out, but when I need them, nobody can be there for me.  As much as I love them, it’s hard to keep living like this knowing that I have very few emotional outlets.  Or even the respect of some who fail to realize the amount of work I really need to do.  

How I wish things were different for me and Betsy was here.  She would at least talk to me, even if she didn’t live here any more.  I feel so lonely without her presence in this house.  Sometimes, I want to be so strong and make her proud of me, but then I wonder what for?  There’s nobody to notice or care…then my common sense clicks in and I realize that I do have people who care, in big ways, but I just don’t see them or reach out for help as I should so I wind up feeling like I do now.  For once, I want someone to take care of me..

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

Feeling Sad and Overwhelmed…

Yesterday marked another month that Betsy’s been gone…it’s now 4 years 2 months. It seems like it’s been forever, but I know that in terms of other parents who have gone through this, my time has just begun. I guess the thing that is getting me so sad and sorrowful about it is that these feelings never change. Regardless of what I try to do, it’s still the same. Things in my life just seem to get worse, not better. The struggle to go through each day just continues and is just so damn hard. I feel so isolated from everyone and I really am isolated because of how things are in my life right now.

I want to change things, but get so overwhelmed with everything that I feel like I just can’t handle all of it by myself. But in this frame of mind and with the weight I have on my body, how can I ever find people or a person who would want to be with me long term??? I can’t stand the loneliness…I think that’s what I miss about her so much, is her presence with me and our friendship. It is horrible losing my friend and daughter. There’s nobody who could push me like she could or support me like she could either. And I don’t want to be strong everyday, I just want her back. Love you forever Betsy…<3 <3 <3

New Realizations…

In the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been taking care of my sister, her son, their dog, and their cat (who was not welcome to come, but was brought here anyway)…she needed to have an ankle replacement and I felt as though I needed to help her because she and my mother have a strained relationship.

However, in this time, I’ve come to realize that both she and my mom are completely selfish. My mom because she claimed she would help out, but will not now because she doesn’t like how my sister treats her. My sister for all kinds of reasons…but I suppose the big issue is what I am going to do about it.

It’s difficult for me to be at this point in my life for I didn’t think I would be contemplating cutting off ties with both of them however, my mental state and future health and progress in life is being affected by these people. If they were just any people, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them because of the way they behave and act. It’s not that I don’t love them, but it’s toxic for me and my health.

Losing Betsy was the most devastating, painful event I can ever imagine and as I work to create a different life for myself the last thing I need is to hold on to people because they are just there. The hard part is how to disengage myself without being hurtful to them and I don’t see how that is going to happen. My sister will be easy, once she doesn’t need me, I won’t hear from her. But my mom is different, she’s more clingy to us kids and I just want to be able to do what I want without her rudeness and opinions and desire to see me stop me from doing those things I need to do for myself. Since I know I’m not promised tomorrow, I don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like I’ve lost the most important person in my life, then another relationship that I valued due to her and I refuse to lose anymore.

I think Betsy would be proud of the strength that I’ve gained…love you Betsy forever <3 <3 <3

Four Years…

My eyes are blurring with tears as I begin to write this post, every detail from that day in 2010 in burned in my memory, never to be forgotten, I get a sick feeling when I remember the events as they unfolded.  Some of them are bittersweet, knowing I was the last person to talk to her, relief that I did get to say I love you to her and she to me one last time, although we didn’t know that at the time.  But the sheer magnitude of my loss still exists deep within me, locked up inside because I rarely take or am given a chance to let myself grieve.  

I’m still dismayed and disappointed that my family would give me and my feelings so little care in this matter.  I find myself discovering new ways to solve my issues thus becoming a new person who is able to deal with them, but in new detached ways so they hurt me less and less.  However, it is so sad that I feel as if my life is meant to be alone with little love and closeness to others.  I know it’s not the way I am built, Betsy and I had a life that was founded on love, joy, and respect which is rare for me now.  While I do not wish to change the core of my being, I believe there may come a time where I find myself separated from these family members because I cannot stand the hurt any longer.  I cannot be everything to them and without any feeling back to me.  This is a selfish, egoist statement, it’s not right, I need to open myself to receive goodness and love from other sources.  

Love you Betsy, forever and forever…<3 <3 <3

Fourth Anniversary Eve…

Although I truly believe that the Creator has planned everything for me, my weak ego complains today because I miss my daughter so much.  It’s not like I don’t miss her more today than any other day of the year, but thinking today more about the events of that horrible day 4 years ago, makes me more aware of just how empty my life is without her.  Of course I feel more able to function in life now than I did then, but I know I’m not the same person I was before June 23, 2010.  It’s almost like someone took a hammer to my life and pounded it all away.  Now I have this new existence that is duller, more serious, but more precious to me.  I’ve noticed the petty little things don’t always bother me as much, but sometimes I have the same stupid reaction then I remember that it just isn’t worth it.  There is only one thing I know, there is nothing that is as important as the people who are in are lives.  They are there for reasons we don’t even understand, nothing is an accident.  We need to connect more, love more, forgive more, and allow each other into the hearts and minds of each other because that’s what’s important in life.  

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

Help I Need Somebody, No, Just Not Anybody…

Yep, Beatles..that song could be my theme song to teach me how to ask for help from my friends..but that’s another song I think.  I’ve no idea why I thought that anything would change in my family after Betsy died.  If anything, things have just gotten worse because we don’t have any type of closeness at all.  There aren’t family gatherings with all of my siblings.  A couple of them don’t talk to my mother.  My mother and sister have a difficult time listening, often interrupting a conversation to say what’s on their mind.  I thought I could really handle it long term because they are my family, but I’m not sure that I will be able to do it for my own sake.  

In 9 days, it will be 4 years that Betsy has been gone, but not one of them will talk to me about how I feel when I bring it up.  They still change the subject or just talk about their feelings in spite of me asking for their help.  Now, my sister is facing surgery on her ankle and will be staying with me for part of the summer with my nephew.  Not just the two of them, but their dog and cat too.  I already have two dogs, live in a small 2 bedroom house…so this should be interesting.  I have to give up my bed, have her bring her animals…UGH…not that she told me about the cat either, I had to ask.  And, to make matters worse, she and her son fight a lot.  So, when she leaves here, he is staying with me.  Not that I have anything to do of my own…like write a dissertation, work, plan for a class at a new job I’m starting in August, just dump that on me because I should be able to handle anything.  But never does she ask if I’m ok or how I feel about not having my daughter.  None of them do.  

So, today, I was cleaning up in Betsy’s room, where I’ll stay until Bernie leaves.  I guess Alex and I will have to share the space so he can have somewhere to leave clothes..who knows.  But it was tough for me to have to be in there and organize some things.  I found the paperwork from the attorney from when she died.  From filing stuff in the Orphan’s Court about her death, I was all alone to handle that stuff.  They never even thought to ask to help me do that.  It’s no wonder I have a difficult time asking people to help me to do anything.  I learned that I can’t count on anyone in my family, but that I have to do everything for them.  Even when my sister bought a house, my parents bought her a washer and dryer, but not me.  I was given some old furniture and then bought some old furniture from them for a cheap price, but never given anything like that.  But I don’t think my brothers were either.  Guess it bugs me because I’ve always been expected to do some much for them, but so little is given back.  If that makes me selfish, I suppose that’s ok.  I want someone to be able to recognize that my daughter existed and stop acting like she never did.  

I love you Betsy, forever <3 <3 <3

Fits Everywhere…

I’ve been seeing Honda Fits everywhere lately…I had a Honda Fit, loved it and when Betsy’s lease was up on her first car, she didn’t like any other chevy’s so I bought a HHR and gave her the FIT.  It was perfect for her, she loved it.  She used to always say, “The Fit is GO!!”  She looked so cute in that car.  When she went to Europe, she saw them everywhere, even took picture of them with herself in them.  

Uncanny, when I’m really thinking about her, I see lots of Fits on the road.  It’s almost as if she’s letting me know that she is with me in some way, but I don’t know that I think that.  I don’t believe that death is the end for us.  I’ve believed in reincarnation for far too long to give that up now.  Although,  perhaps I haven’t learned how to reach the spiritual side which is why I can’t feel her, either that or I’m still hurting too much to do that.  But I really think it’s because she’s back here on earth, she was too good to be gone for long.  One of her friends told me of an event where he met a child was very young, maybe close to 2 years ago, but she reminded him of Betsy, just the way she spoke to him and stared at him.  The mom said it was uncanny how she spoke early and the things she said and did.  I’ll never know, but if it is her, I hope her life this time is much more peaceful and content…she deserves that, she’s a great spirit and I know she and I have been together before and will be again.  Our connection is/was too strong for us to have just been with each other once…we are all connected deeply, we’ve just forgotten.

Love you Betsy…forever <3 <3 <3