Some New Realizations…

Today has been an interesting day for me, not at all what I thought it would be. I hope that tomorrow turns out as well. While I still can’t believe that my Betsy is gone forever (in some ways), she really is. I’ve been wallowing in self pity for the past few months and that is getting me nowhere fast. I’ve even had thoughts of committing suicide. (And I’ve discussed it with my therapist, too). My mental state hasn’t been very good at all.

Until today. I’m not sure why this happened, but I am thankful that it have. I think it was from my Weight Watchers meeting. I almost wasn’t going to go, but decided to get up and go. Today’s topic was motivation, which I thought would be boring, but I was surprised by the wonderful ideas I got from the other members. One of the best ones was to work at things, keep things at hand so you keep working on them so you are successful…so I began to think about how I’ve been letting things happen to me instead of taking charge of my life since Betsy died. Yes, it sucks and it is the most horrible thing I have to deal with, but the reality is, very few people really care. By that I mean that my boss and others who don’t really know my or her, just don’t really care and think that I should be like I was before. I know I’m not, but I have to work harder, for her.

I don’t want her to be disappointed in me and I don’t want to be disappointed in me either.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Mother’s Day.

Cindy

Mother’s Day is approaching again…UGH!!

I can’t believe it’s May 1st. Where did all the time go? It’s flying by, but nothing changes for me. I try to read about spiritual things, the afterlife, grieving, pretend to be brave when I just don’t care about anything anymore. At least I’ve eaten well today and gone to work out the past 3 days but I still feel like I’m so close to a total breakdown. My job isn’t going well and I get little understanding from my boss, just constant pressure to do everything even though I’ve been out of a classroom for 10 years..what a twit. People who haven’t ever had any big loss just don’t understand how hard it is to just get to work everyday and act semi normal. He hasn’t a clue how devastated I am and how much his words injure me more every day, nor does he care. What is my purpose????????

Why am I alone? Why does everyone I care about leave me? Am I that unlovable?

Thoughts of this year’s Mother’s Day make me sick. My mom already asked me if I wanted to go to this huge buffet. My own mother doesn’t even know me. I just don’t understand how she can think I want to be anywhere that day. My own mother…selfish and thinking of her and her needs not mine. Typical. I’ve never been the center of anyone’s world in this life, but Betsy’s. She’s gone, I’ve got nothing left.

One year, 10 months…

Waking up this morning was very hard, my head was pounding, my face numb, my hands and feet numb, I felt the familiar dizziness. While nothing new to me, I can’t figure out why this won’t go away, I’ve had it since April 5th, which is a long time. I wondered how I was going to make it through another school day with kids and the confusion that comes with these migraines. Then I realized what day it was and I decided I needed to stay home.

I recall people telling me that the second year after the death of a child was worse than the first and I couldn’t imagine it, but now I know. I think the first year, you are in such shock of losing such a precious child that the reality of them being gone and going day after day of not seeing them, touching them, hearing their voice just can drive you crazy. And its also the lack of people being around to support you.

At the beginning, there are tons of people around, checking on you, calling, emailing, texting but then they fade away. Because they have their own lives, their own problems..and if you are a person like me who has trouble reaching out, your life becomes a lonely, sad journey.

I hate coming home to an empty house, where her laughter used to light up the rooms. Her chatter and talk about her future brightened my day. I hate having to just see a photograph of her instead of having her here with me. I hate that I have all of her things here and I don’t want to get rid of one, but know that I’m going to have to do that someday but I don’t want to get rid of a thing. I miss her cheering on the Pens and the Steelers. I miss her yelling at the dogs, criticizing my cooking, complaining about the lack of food in the house, her sense of humor, her laugh, her smile, her waking me up when she came home at night from working, her asking me for advice for anything, her excitement at attaining her goals, helping me with my writing…

The emptiness of my life spreads out before me and I don’t know how to find my purpose again, I feel lost.

Sad week…

For some reason I’ve felt overwhelmed again by incredible sadness at Betsy’s loss. Although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised since I think about her almost non-stop but barely talk about her to anyone. I’ve come to the realization that my family (mom, stepfather, dad, and siblings) are all suffering about as much as I am with her loss, so they are really at a loss to help me. Her father never came to see her, so he didn’t even know she died until we called him, so he may have regrets, but cannot be aware of the enormity of her loss.

Some friends have given me their numbers and said to call anytime, but I really feel like I can’t do that. If I can’t count on my family to talk to me, how can I ask a friend or acquaintance? People all have their own problems and don’t really want to listen to mine. They might say that, but I don’t think they really mean it. So, I’ve spent the last few months avoiding my feelings.

I know I’ve tried to do what I know she’d want me to do, but it is really hard. I realize that life is hard, but I’m tired of my life being hard. It was hard when I raised her by myself, through all the petty meanness of people who should have shown her kindness but were mean…she didn’t deserve to die at 21. She didn’t even get to have a life. And I’m cheated out of grandchildren and my lovely daughter whom I love more than myself. I find it hard to care about anything right now. I’m losing my goals, my drive, I just want to crawl in bed and never come out.

Easter Without Betsy again…

Tonight is the second evening before Easter without my beloved daughter. Something I’ve been trying hard not to think about, but my dear brother and I talked about her tonight. I love my brother so much, he told me about how he and his wife were talking about the last time they saw Betsy…two years ago on Easter Sunday. We were all talking about my nephew, who wanted to join the marines. She was so proud of him and talked about how we had to all respect his choice, how brave he was. We as parents, were all concerned about his safety, but I was so proud of Betsy’s words. I was also touched tonight as my brother cried about how much he misses Betsy and how he can’t understand how I can stand this loss. Never in a million years did any of us think we were going to lose Betsy. I mistakenly thought I’d be immune since I was a single mom and she was my only child and I did the right thing and raised her, didn’t date, was just her mom, but that’s not how things work, is it.

Sometimes I don’t know how I can stand it either, but I have to believe that I will see her again and that in some way she is still with me. I’ve lost my faith in religion, but found another source of strength that works for me. I know I’m am loved well by a lot of people who help support me even if I don’t see them daily. I’m learning to surround myself with people who love and support me, who I can love and support, those that don’t I just release. Yes, its painful but its more painful than letting them stay in my life.

I’m also learning to live my life again, for me. While its hard to do this without Betsy or knowing that I won’t have the life I imagined just 2 years ago, new things are opening up for me and I have to be like her…open for adventure.

Overwhelmed with Grief Again…

Today began as any other day this year has started. Got up, showered, ready for work, blah, blah…met some friends for dinner and a few drinks and to watch a hockey game for a bit. While we were at our favorite place, I saw one of Betsy’s friends so I went over to say hello. It was so nice to see her! But then as the evening wore on I felt more melancholy than I have in a long time. I still was having fun with my friends but found myself gazing at Haley almost as if just drawn to her face.

At that point, I didn’t realize what was bothering me, except my friend Karen’s stalker who wouldn’t stop staring at her…I wanted to hit him or scream at him. How daft can the guy be? Anyway, we started sharing photos on our phones and I flashed by a picture of Betsy and said, “I miss her so much.” Karen said, “I know.” and the moment was over. And then I realized that earlier my mom and I had been talking about how I told her (mom) that she should have let my stepfather get her a card for Valentines Day card if he wanted to because those things do matter. I told her about a card I bought for Betsy and never got to give her because I was waiting for a “right” moment. Every time I see that card I feel so horrible that I didn’t give it to her. Not that I didn’t encourage and support her and tell her I loved her a lot, it just meant a lot to me and now I’m left with that card. But I began to cry and my mom, as usual tried to change the conversation.

So, as I drove home from our dinner, I began to cry. When I got to my house and into my room, I began to sob like I haven’t for a long time. People always say they will listen. People say they will be there, but they are not. Even my own mother cannot bring herself to let me cry with her.

So, here I am. Alone. In a house that Betsy wanted, that I can’t bear to leave now, feeling like I can’t turn to anyone when I need to. I raised my daughter by myself. And need my family now more than ever, especially my mom and she still can’t really be here for me.

If she only knew how the thought of my dear daughter dying in that accident makes me feel physically ill. To know that her legs and arms were broken, that her organs were so damaged that they couldn’t be used for donation makes me sick. But I can’t even tell them that. I know and kept that from them to protect them from the horror of how bad it was. And I stopped reading after that, I can’t imagine her poor face. Her beautiful face. And the worse thing is, I feel incredible guilt because I couldn’t go to see her. Betsy didn’t want anyone to see her if something had happened to her, she said she wanted people to remember her like she was if anything would ever happen. While I wanted to go to her but was afraid to see her, I also knew her wishes and didn’t want to dishonor them. But I feel guilty because I felt like I abandoned my baby girl.

All of this I carry. All my grief and its too much for my mother. I know she gave me life and without her I would not have had my precious Betsy. But my mother has abandoned me over and over throughout my life. I just wish that people wouldn’t say what they really don’t mean.

This journey I’m on is not one I’d ever wish for anyone, but my hope would be that anyone else would have a better support system than I do. It’s no wonder I have trust issues.

Second Christmas

Its the second Christmas without my dear Betsy. I spend most of it alone. I was hosting my family gathering but nobody arrive until 2:30. I was busy cleaning for most of the morning but didn’t feel badly until Tim (my brother) sent me a video showing his son playing his drums. Lucas is 3 and the whole family picture really hit me emotionally. I cried for quite awhile. While I’m grateful for my family and friends, these holidays are so hard for me. Everyone else has someone to share the day with but me. I felt so alone today.

I never know how any day is going to be, some days are better than other, but today wasn’t so great. I hope that tomorrow is better for me.

I really miss her. I’ll never stop missing her. I can say that most days are better, but life is just not worth it for me right now.

A Hug From Betsy…

I’ve not been on here for some time (just been so busy with returning to work and with my studies) and its time for an update.

I’ve been wanting to connect with Betsy and have a final hug from her, but knew there was not way it could happen. However, I’ve been taking a class to learn how to connect with myself, my soul if you will. I know it may sound crazy to some, but for me, I’ve found more peace for a lot of issues I’ve carried with me for years since I’ve been doing this. For quite some time I was anxious, trying to force something to happen. When I wasn’t seeing images or getting what I thought others in the groups were I felt inadequate as if I were doing something wrong. When I finally mentioned something to our mentor, she let me know that we all have our own journey and mine was tinged by my grief and loss of Betsy. After that point I felt something in my shift and change my mind has been more open, not always, but more often than not I am open in my meditation.

Last night, I had a dream of Betsy. She and I were with my mother and my stepfather in a train station waiting for Betsy to leave for Boston. I saw a crowded waiting room full of other parents with their children leaving for school too. And other people were leaving for other destinations as well. We were one of the last families left, Betsy and I talked quietly about how we missed each other but would be able to talk often, that this wasn’t goodbye forever, that we loved each other and this was o.k. for her to leave. As I watched the lights indicating the trains arrival light up, Betsy kept saying I need to be on either the number 10, 16 or 20 train. She seemed to be nervous, but I was oddly calm. My mother and stepfather really didn’t say much, but were just there. I remember talking to one father who seemed very upset to see his son leave but I told him that it would be alright he would be able to talk to his son and would see him, Don’t worry I said, it’s alright, let him go. He seemed better after this. I always seem to be taking care of everyone.

Then Betsy and I noticed the lights near the elevator light up, 10, 16 and 20. It’s time she said. I know I replied and its ok. She went and turned in her ticket and was going to go up an escalator, but I said, Don’t I get a hug? And she came back and gave me a great big tight hug. I felt her arms around me and she sobbed while I told her it was alright, that I would miss her but we would see each other, I would always love her and we would talk all the time. Then she smiled at me, started to go up the escalator. As she went up, her way was blocked by a couple other girls checking in, first one, then the other. She stopped at the second one and looked at me with a smile. I could tell that she was thinking, Geez these people are so annoying and I am stuck with them for the whole ride.

Then I smiled through my tears and we both smiled at each other with love. And she continued up the escalator and left. I turned around to see my stepfather there wanting to go to see the train leave, but I said No, this was enough, let it go.

Then I woke up realizing that this was not just a dream but a visit from my dear daughter, we had said our goodbyes. The thing I missed when she died I finally got to have, the one last hug the chance to comfort her instead of me desperately begging her to comfort me. For the first time in a long time my tears were of joy that I felt like a mom again.

Unsettling Dream….

Even after meditation yesterday, I did not have an easy, restful sleep last night. I kept waking every two hours, not really sure why, I did weed for an hour, heavy weeding because it was crab grass that was tough to pull out. I also did laundry so I was up and down the stairs for part of the day. But my back was achy and I felt sore for a lot of the day. I did have a good cry too, which I reflected in my other blog post.

There was a huge thunderstorm last night around 3:30 in the morning, the final time I recall waking up. I had to close all the windows. Then returned to my bed. Both dogs were with me, Coco curled up next to my right arm, I scratched her and petted her for a while. Sophie was laying down by my feet, she moved a few times, before we all settle back to sleep.

Then I began to have the dream of Betsy. In this dream, other kids were tormenting her. Not just mentally, but physically hurting her too. I was worried about her, but never actually saw her in the dream. The final minutes of the dream, I got a phone call from my mother telling me that Betsy had been crucified by this one girl who had been tormenting her..I woke up right away. I felt anxious, terrified, but also curious about why I had this dream. I remembered as I was dreaming, I was aware that she couldn’t be hurt because she was spirit and light, but I still kept being notified that she was safe, but the dream continued until the crucified part, which did alarm me.

I did recall that I watched a mini-marathon about women who kill on Investigation TV yesterday, so I don’t know if that is what caused this dream. Or if the dream is related to a battle that I’m having with myself, or if there is something Betsy is trying to tell me. I suppose I’m recording it just so its down somewhere so maybe later it might mean something to me.

It may not mean anything at all, but I’m not sure. Since I’ve decided to commit to meditation to help me refocus my life and get in tune with my true and real self, I need to pay attention to what my spirit is telling me. While it may not make sense to me now, it may make sense later on. I still feel unsettled today. Perhaps I’m worried because my mother, stepfather, sister, and nephew are all traveling today. That’s just about half on my family, I think I’m a bit worried that something might happen to them. Betsy went on a trip and didn’t come home, I don’t want to lose them too. That could be the whole reason for me feelings right now too.

Yet Another Day and More Tears…

Just when I think I’m getting a bit better, I get hit with waves of sadness. This happened today when I was looking for a binder for some documents I needed for school. I knew Betsy had some binders under her bed and decided to look there instead of going down to the basement. When I looked in there I found one of her planners and began to look in it.

The thing about Betsy and planners was not that she kept one, but the manner in which she kept hers. She was meticulous about keeping every detail about what she planned to do in her planner. She put small things in there for every day, TV shows and movies to watch, when to do laundry, when to shave her legs and polish her nails and toe nails…what a planned and organized young woman she was. It’s hard to believe she was my daughter. I get things done, but not with lists. Oddly, my sister makes lists like Betsy did. But hers aren’t in a planner, just on paper, but she’s not as detailed as Betsy was.

Betsy used to get some much done in the course a day, a week, a month…and its no wonder why…reflecting on it. I think back to her 3rd grade year when she struggled to recall her homework. I bought her the first planner, a simple one to help her write down her homework assignments so she could remember what she had to do for the evening, what projects were due, what papers had to be signed, what could be left at home, ect. So I suppose I started her on this path to being organized.

Now, I have a planner, I’ve had one for a while, but I’m striving to use it more. It is nice to cross things off when I get them done. Its almost like my weight watchers tracker, which I’m working on. Both things make me accountable for my actions and inactivity.

Looking at her tracker brought me to tears, seeing all the things she did, planned to do after her last fatal trip, of our lost future. Of my lost grandchildren, of my lost friend and daughter.

I love you Betsy…Mama Deafy