The last big holiday for this year is over. I was feeling sad before which I knew was because of Betsy not being here. The melancholy wasn’t the same as the numbness of the first year, when I just couldn’t be around anyone or didn’t want to be at all, or last year’s incredible sadness where I attended but still just didn’t want to be around people. This year I felt a bit better but I think my meds are helping me stay more even. I’ve not felt this calm for a long time, I doubt my emotions suddenly got under control. Or it could be that my holiday was spent with other people this year so I didn’t have the quiet, stress that would have been with my usual holiday. This one was much more comfortable for me. I also know that I am changing myself little by little.
I did think about Betsy a lot. I realized that if she were alive she would have graduated from grad school, might have gotten a job and moved. I think of how proud of me she’d be to see my cleaning up a drawer or throwing away or giving away the excess kitchen stuff I have in the house. Slowly getting the house decluttered for me would make her proud of our home and of me. She hated that I just left things around. I didn’t like it too, but I think it was part of my depression that I just didn’t care.
Eventually I’ll go back to a grief group to help myself more, just feel overwhelmed with everything else right now.