Since the end of the year is closing in on us, I’ve been reflecting on my past, mine with Betsy specifically and mine as a person too. Although a major part of my life was being Betsy’s mom, there is a life before I was her mom and I have to build a life without her too.
As many times as I try to focus on the good times we had together, I find myself focusing on those failures as a parent that I had. I’ve finally realized that Betsy didn’t bring her friends over here a lot because I left all kinds of clutter around and never really bothered to clean up like a mom normally would have done. She did speak to me about it many times, but I just never listened or cared about it. I believe now that I was suffering from depression then and she knew something wasn’t right, how could she not sense it. I’d do all kinds of things for her, but not that. I just couldn’t see it in myself. But looking at what I know now, I’ve been depressed for a long time. I feel badly that I didn’t take care of myself that right way then. I cannot change the past, Betsy couldn’t do anything to help me, she tried. I wish I had done better, but I know I couldn’t do it then. I am working on it now, though. I’m following this Fly Lady thing, doing things little by little. I’m seeing some progress and I’m proud of myself and know Betsy is too.
I also dwell on times I lost my temper, guess that’s normal to think about now. I know I always apologized because it was never really her fault, but mine because I didn’t know how to handle something or it was my personal issue, but I still dislike that I reacted that way. The truth is, I loved her so so much. I know she knew that. I know she love me a lot too, that’s all that really matters. But these memories I think are part of my healing, from grief and part of healing myself too.
None of us is perfect. I know I did a better job with her than my mom did with me. I just wish I could have seen how well she would have done with her children. I suppose the only thing I can do now is honor her by living my best life. Right now that means that I have to take care of me and heal my soul. I need to be the best me I can, I’m here for some reason.
Love you sweetheart…forever…