So, I’ve been having guilty thought about how happy I’ve been feeling and wondering if it’s alright for me to feel like this? After all, my life isn’t perfect, while I’m finally making good progress on my dissertation, I still have a lot of work to do. And yes, I’ve found a wonderful man that I believe will be with me forever, I love him already, but we don’t live near each other yet and that it difficult. But then I realize the hard things I’ve been through already and know that this is just a small window of time for us to be apart. I’ve lost a small amount of weight, but am eating better and on the path to better health.
I don’t cry as much as I used to do, but it’s because I am not thinking about Betsy as much as I did in the past. Sometime I wonder if I’m being selfish. Or if I don’t love her enough..or maybe this is just the way things should be..I wouldn’t want her to be sad and grieving forever. In my deep heart, I do miss her, I find myself wishing to talk to her or share something with her..it’s those moments when I know that the guilt I have must be misplaced. It’s ok to be living again, the feelings of grief have lessened from the searing pain it once was. Oh, I can go back to the place in seconds, it’s so easy to go there and that pain isn’t far away. How many times a day do I want to tell her something?? Probably hundreds, but now it’s just habit knowing that in some way I can’t physically talk to her, but I could just talk to the air and maybe she’d hear me. Why is that so hard to believe??? Perhaps because I felt like she was going to die before she left and I didn’t fight hard enough for her to drive another way..I couldn’t convince her. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault, if I’d fought harder, bought her a safer car, done anything to stop her from being there at that time. Then I wonder if it would have happened no matter where she was, it’s crazy how I have two thoughts running through my head..I think I can control death, but I also think that the Creator controls everything…is it crazy to think like this or is it just normal ranting of a bereaved mother? Who is to say, but I just know this, I’m heading into the sixth year without her..I’m going to finally have my doctoral degree, without her, I will have a new job somewhere, without her, I’ll most likely move out of our house, without her..how will my memories stay alive..without her?
Love you Betsy, forever <3 <3 <3