Still Hurts

Just realized that I need to spend some time sifting through my thoughts, I’ve been so down in the dumps the past few months.  It seems like I’m on a path to nowhere.  Nothing has gone well since Betsy died.  I’m not sure if it’s just me being depressed or if I’m just having a rough time of things now and feel overwhelmed.  I guess those of both the same things.

I should be grateful that I have some very good friends who support me.  And I have two dogs and a cat who love me too.  I love them a lot too.  They have kept me going in some ways.  My family, small as it is, helps me too.  But I don’t feel connected to many other people right now.  I still am not sure what my goals are, where my life is going, and how I’m going live like this for the rest of my life.  I’m still seeing a therapist, I have some more copying skills, however, the fact of the matter is, surviving Betsy is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live with in my life.  I hide it well, I suppose that many of us who have experienced this are good at hiding the feelings we live with everyday.  It’s as if you cut out your heart and nobody notices or can focus their time and energy for a long enough time to help you deal with it.  I spent so much time alone after Betsy died, that I think I learned to just shove my feelings about it aside in many ways.  I’m thankful I had a lot of time off from work to deal with the immediate shock and mind numbing grief that occurred that first year, but as time has gone on its almost like she never existed.  She exists for me, in photographs, my memories, but she doesn’t live on for me because I don’t talk about her enough.  June 23rd is quickly approaching and I recognize that I am more focused on her death because this year’s June 23rd marks the 7th year that she’s been gone.  SEVEN years…let that sink in a bit..a long time, but really a short time in terms of a lifetime I may have left.

Maybe if I had more goals or drive or something that I felt to live for.  I struggle to find that.  Many times I don’t even want to finish my dissertation.  I’m too hard on myself when I make mistakes, have such high expectations that I feel crushed when I don’t meet them.  I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right now, just wallowing in self-pity.  I get overwhelmed with all I have to do, the house, the pets, the dead-end job, the excess weight, the paper that never ends, the loneliness, the money issues..nothing I expected to happen, but all have happened since she died.  If only I could wipe it all away and get a fresh start somehow.  But then I still have my grief to deal with and how does one really “deal” with the death of their only child?  Their dreams, hopes, and future???  How and what do I replace them?  I’m tired of looking within, I don’t think the answers are there.  But I know that in the end we all are alone in this type of journey..I hate it.  I hate my life right now so I guess it’s up to me to find the courage and strength to change things.  I wish I had a crystal ball to know where I will be in a few more months..but right now, everything still hurts.

I love you Betsy…Always ❤

betsy italy

This entry was posted on June 4, 2017. 2 Comments

Goals and Plans…hmm

When people talk about their goals for the future, I wonder about what mine really are, it seems like its a simple question, but for me it really isn’t.  Since Betsy died, I’ve felt like I’m in a state of nowhere, just existing, coasting through my life adrift without her.  My biggest goal was to complete my doctoral degree and I’m closer to that, but not really sure why anymore.  I feel like I’m plodding through it, but have gone too far to quit, I’ve got three decent chapters done, just need to revise them.  My study is approved, so I just have to get those 3 chapters done, meet with my committee and do my study.  Then collect data, analyze it, and write up the last 2 chapters.

It is close to being done, but then where do I go?  And what do I do?  I’m not really sure that I want to teach any longer, I’m tired of it and want more time to just figure it out.  But, I have a house, a cat, and two dogs to take care of, I can’t just drop out of sight from the world, nor am I sure that I want to do that.  Betsy and I had plans for life long term.  I’d teach at a college close to where she was working.  At some point we would go on Semester at Sea together, since she loved it so much, but I’d be teaching and she’d be my family member.  We wouldn’t be living here in Pittsburgh, but would be together.  I could help watch her kids, my grandchildren..

But now, I’m not really sure what I want to do.  I’m so tired.  But I know I need something to help me move forward through life.  I’m just not sure that my heart is in to teaching any longer, but I’ve got no clue as to what else I can do at this point in my life.  I know I want to be making more money so I’m not struggling any more.  I need to be doing something positive that helps me feel good about myself, that isn’t frustrating too.  I just don’t know what that is, I wish I could have Betsy’s advice.  Although, I realize that if she didn’t have her accident, I would be in a different place.  The loss of her life has been the most defining moment in my life.  I remember saying that she was my anchor, I need an anchor, how do I find one within myself?

Live for the Moment

I’ve been trying very hard to live in the moment, which is not as easy as it sounds.  But it is a goal which I think is worthy of my time, I’ve found myself being so bogged down by hurts and trauma of the past that I almost don’t know how to deal with the now.  I think it keeps me just moving through live at a warp speed with breaks of inactivity that are mindless.  But that isn’t how I want to live, nor is it how I think Betsy would want me to live.

I’m also trying to figure out how this affect my weight too, because I don’t believe that my emotions and weight are separate entities, but I do think that they are tied together.  Right now, I’m feeling sadness over breaking up with a man I loved.  I thought he loved me, maybe he does, but sometimes love isn’t enough.  I am worth a lot, I’m generous, loving, smart, fun, interesting, and strong, but I can’t sustain everything on my own.  I deserve someone who is able to be present in my life and I want that too.  I realize that I make myself happy, another person enhances that, not causes that.  But it’s still difficult to lose that love.

But the good thing is, you can always start over.  A very dear friend suggested that perhaps life is like a bus ride, some people are on the ride for a long time, some for one stop.  Maybe he had another journey to travel and we were supposed to be together for a short while.  That could be, I do know that I control nothing, I’ve known that for some time.  I don’t like it cause I’m an egoist, I like to think I can control things.  But there is a Creator who controls everything.  Doesn’t mean my ego has to like it.  But I do have to live with it.  And move on, always move on..but maybe not at warp speed..

 

 

Strength

Somehow as I’ve found strength, assertiveness, and the gifts I gave my daughter in myself, I realize that I open myself up to be hurt when other people are involved in my journey, particularly because I tend to give my heart and love so freely.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve lost so much that when I find something I know is right and feels right I go for it full force.  But I’m also learning that I might be too much for some people.  However, what does that mean in the long run for me??  I think in terms of those who I know love me and are my angels in this realm, I can be safe giving freely to them.  However, I am learning that I need to tread more cautiously with those whom I just meet because I give too much of myself away and then feel hurt too much.  I still believe in love and finding a love for me, but maybe not right now, when I feel so raw from this one.

My dear friend told me not to have expectations, perhaps I need to learn that.  For now, I’m going to keep taking care of myself and doing for me, because I have to make myself happy.  I will meditate, get back to my Kabbalah lessons, study for my comprehensive exam..rock my study and get my dissertation done..plan and nurture my garden and my dear friends..and myself.  I will take care of me.  Because there is some plan that the Creator has for me, I just need to surrender to it, finally.

And for now, I’ll let myself be sad for this loss..and be sad cause I don’t have Betsy to advise me.  But maybe she is trying to, I just need to listen harder and not talk so much.

Love you forever Mumbly…<3 ❤ ❤

HPIM1085

Guilty Thoughts

So, I’ve been having guilty thought about how happy I’ve been feeling and wondering if it’s alright for me to feel like this?  After all, my life isn’t perfect, while I’m finally making good progress on my dissertation, I still have a lot of work to do.  And yes, I’ve found a wonderful man that I believe will be with me forever, I love him already, but we don’t live near each other yet and that it difficult.  But then I realize the hard things I’ve been through already and know that this is just a small window of time for us to be apart.  I’ve lost a small amount of weight, but am eating better and on the path to better health.

I don’t cry as much as I used to do, but it’s because I am not thinking about Betsy as much as I did in the past.  Sometime I wonder if I’m being selfish.  Or if I don’t love her enough..or maybe this is just the way things should be..I wouldn’t want her to be sad and grieving forever.  In my deep heart, I do miss her, I find myself wishing to talk to her or share something with her..it’s those moments when I know that the guilt I have must be misplaced.  It’s ok to be living again, the feelings of grief have lessened from the searing pain it once was.  Oh, I can go back to the place in seconds, it’s so easy to go there and that pain isn’t far away.  How many times a day do I want to tell her something??  Probably hundreds, but now it’s just habit knowing that in some way I can’t physically talk to her, but I could just talk to the air and maybe she’d hear me.  Why is that so hard to believe???  Perhaps because I felt like she was going to die before she left and I didn’t fight hard enough for her to drive another way..I couldn’t convince her.  Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault, if I’d fought harder, bought her a safer car, done anything to stop her from being there at that time.  Then I wonder if it would have happened no matter where she was, it’s crazy how I have two thoughts running through my head..I think I can control death, but I also think that the Creator controls everything…is it crazy to think like this or is it just normal ranting of a bereaved mother?  Who is to say, but I just know this, I’m heading into the sixth year without her..I’m going to finally have my doctoral degree, without her, I will have a new job somewhere, without her, I’ll most likely move out of our house, without her..how will my memories stay alive..without her?

 

Love you Betsy, forever ❤ ❤ ❤

This entry was posted on December 29, 2015. 1 Comment

One Down, One to Go

Betsy and I at ChristmasTaken before Betsy passed away this picture lets me know that she and I had a special love that is missed.  I struggled quite a bit on the 23rd, the 5 1/2 year anniversary date, but I guess that is to be expected.  There are days when I feel like I just can’t cope with her being gone, then others, I just fight on to do the things I need to do.  I almost didn’t want to share this picture because of how I looked, but when I see the love in her eyes, I couldn’t not post it.  I do miss that face…and that smile..

I do continue to work on my new relationship with the man, who I believe is the love of my life.  I am just saying yes to everything that comes our way.  I never thought I would be so fortunate to find someone so amazing and loving.  And he listens when I feel sorrowful, what a blessing he is, right from the Creator.

My dissertation process is going well, Betsy would be so proud of me.  And I’m proud of myself.  It’s surprising how at peace I feel right now, but inside I do have a bit of fear because all of this is fragile, like a delicate piece of chocolate lace cookie that could crumble at anytime.  It is hard to totally relax because I, like many others, know that life as you know it can be destroyed in moments.  However, for now, I’m just living day by day in love and light.  Sharing myself as I can with people who love me.

Love you forever Betsy ❤ ❤ ❤

Good Feelings

November 26, 2015 was Betsy’s 27th birthday, her 5th in heaven or where ever her soul exists, it was also Thanksgiving day here on Earth.  This year was a lot like the past few years in that my family of birth did not acknowledge her again.  It pains me  a lot that they continue to ignore her existence, acting as though by not talking of her or changing the subject when I bring her up helps me to miss her less or make my grief lessen, but all it does is create animosity and anger in me at them for not giving me permission to grieve or talk about the person who I have loved the most in my life.  And it appears to me to be a selfish act, one that denies me of that which I’ve asked for again and again.

There is not anything I can do to change what they do any longer.  I’ve come to realize that they will continue to be perplexed at my lack of enthusiasm at participating in family get togethers and my withdrawal from their lives, however, I can only request so many times, can’t I?  For I too get tired of trying to live up to what someone else thinks I should be doing or being.  While I’m not trying to be melodramatic, I’d just like some support from those I believe should be the most supportive of me as I work to put the pieces of my live back together.  But what I’ve found is that in this, like much of my life, I am alone.  Unless I comply with certain demands on my time and behavior, I am alone.

I chose not to live my life that way.  I have come to far in this journey to have someone dictate or try to manipulate me into doing that which I am not willing to do any longer.  My past has brought me to the place where I am right now, while I can honor each experience, I will no longer allow myself to pay attention to those things or people who do not serve my higher purpose, of which I’m still not sure, but I’m here for some reason, I need to find and fulfill that purpose.  Regardless of how anyone else feels about what I am to do, in my family that is.

I believe that I have created a family for myself that is supportive of my journey through life.  They are those who are caring for me, supporting and listening to me, even if I don’t know they are.  They make me feel safe and secure in their presence.  Like Betsy did.  And I believe I’ve found a partner who is doing the same for me too.  Although he lives a distance from me, he is the most magnificent man I’ve ever met.  His name is Gregory, he has shown me kindness, acceptance, caring, interest, and love in ways that I can’t begin to express.  I really wasn’t sure I would ever find someone that I could love that would love me back, just how I am.  But I think we’ve found in each other the right combination of stuff that works for us.  I respect him and how he is right now and promise to never want to change him.

Out of this great pain I have, I’ve been working so hard to build a newness.  Not forgetting where I’ve been, I can never forget that, it’s always right there, just ready to peek out, tears ready to fall.  But I also realize that it is ok to try to live my life again, without Betsy, and still love her.

This entry was posted on December 13, 2015. 2 Comments