I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling more and more depressed in the last few days and I’m not really sure why..sure, some things have happened, but nothing really horrible enough to make me lose the good feelings that I’ve been having the past few months, but perhaps I am recognizing that this is Betsy’s birthday month…the month she would have turned 27…
My memories of her birth are vivid, as if it had occurred yesterday..I could retell that story in such detail, picturing the events as if no time had passed. I also have so many memories of all the birthday parties that she and I planned, the ones just with family and then with her friends..
This year, her birthday falls on Thanksgiving, I don’t want it to come. I don’t know what I’m going to do that day, it was her favorite holiday because of mashed potatoes..she’d eat so many mashed potatoes..and turkey..and she’d always have to have an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, one with oreo cookies and cream filling..last year, my friend Sarah went there with me to have some ice cream with me. But this year, who will even remember her or talk to me about her or let me honor her..I feel so sad that I can’t just bring her up or set a place for her at our table..I’ll probably just stay home alone again this year. I hate that my holidays have turned out to be like this..instead of all of us being together we are all spread apart and I’m alone. But I don’t want to be part of the crazy, can’t talk about my daughter like she didn’t exist stuff. It kills me that they all act like she was never around. And for my mother to say, she’s over it and found her peace, well, good for her…glad she can just wipe her mind of my Betsy, but I can’t. Never will..
No wonder I feel this way..I wish I had millions of dollars so I could just go away for the next two months…or longer…..
Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3