Guilty Thoughts

So, I’ve been having guilty thought about how happy I’ve been feeling and wondering if it’s alright for me to feel like this?  After all, my life isn’t perfect, while I’m finally making good progress on my dissertation, I still have a lot of work to do.  And yes, I’ve found a wonderful man that I believe will be with me forever, I love him already, but we don’t live near each other yet and that it difficult.  But then I realize the hard things I’ve been through already and know that this is just a small window of time for us to be apart.  I’ve lost a small amount of weight, but am eating better and on the path to better health.

I don’t cry as much as I used to do, but it’s because I am not thinking about Betsy as much as I did in the past.  Sometime I wonder if I’m being selfish.  Or if I don’t love her enough..or maybe this is just the way things should be..I wouldn’t want her to be sad and grieving forever.  In my deep heart, I do miss her, I find myself wishing to talk to her or share something with her..it’s those moments when I know that the guilt I have must be misplaced.  It’s ok to be living again, the feelings of grief have lessened from the searing pain it once was.  Oh, I can go back to the place in seconds, it’s so easy to go there and that pain isn’t far away.  How many times a day do I want to tell her something??  Probably hundreds, but now it’s just habit knowing that in some way I can’t physically talk to her, but I could just talk to the air and maybe she’d hear me.  Why is that so hard to believe???  Perhaps because I felt like she was going to die before she left and I didn’t fight hard enough for her to drive another way..I couldn’t convince her.  Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault, if I’d fought harder, bought her a safer car, done anything to stop her from being there at that time.  Then I wonder if it would have happened no matter where she was, it’s crazy how I have two thoughts running through my head..I think I can control death, but I also think that the Creator controls everything…is it crazy to think like this or is it just normal ranting of a bereaved mother?  Who is to say, but I just know this, I’m heading into the sixth year without her..I’m going to finally have my doctoral degree, without her, I will have a new job somewhere, without her, I’ll most likely move out of our house, without her..how will my memories stay alive..without her?

 

Love you Betsy, forever <3 <3 <3

This entry was posted on December 29, 2015. 1 Comment

One Down, One to Go

Betsy and I at ChristmasTaken before Betsy passed away this picture lets me know that she and I had a special love that is missed.  I struggled quite a bit on the 23rd, the 5 1/2 year anniversary date, but I guess that is to be expected.  There are days when I feel like I just can’t cope with her being gone, then others, I just fight on to do the things I need to do.  I almost didn’t want to share this picture because of how I looked, but when I see the love in her eyes, I couldn’t not post it.  I do miss that face…and that smile..

I do continue to work on my new relationship with the man, who I believe is the love of my life.  I am just saying yes to everything that comes our way.  I never thought I would be so fortunate to find someone so amazing and loving.  And he listens when I feel sorrowful, what a blessing he is, right from the Creator.

My dissertation process is going well, Betsy would be so proud of me.  And I’m proud of myself.  It’s surprising how at peace I feel right now, but inside I do have a bit of fear because all of this is fragile, like a delicate piece of chocolate lace cookie that could crumble at anytime.  It is hard to totally relax because I, like many others, know that life as you know it can be destroyed in moments.  However, for now, I’m just living day by day in love and light.  Sharing myself as I can with people who love me.

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

Good Feelings

November 26, 2015 was Betsy’s 27th birthday, her 5th in heaven or where ever her soul exists, it was also Thanksgiving day here on Earth.  This year was a lot like the past few years in that my family of birth did not acknowledge her again.  It pains me  a lot that they continue to ignore her existence, acting as though by not talking of her or changing the subject when I bring her up helps me to miss her less or make my grief lessen, but all it does is create animosity and anger in me at them for not giving me permission to grieve or talk about the person who I have loved the most in my life.  And it appears to me to be a selfish act, one that denies me of that which I’ve asked for again and again.

There is not anything I can do to change what they do any longer.  I’ve come to realize that they will continue to be perplexed at my lack of enthusiasm at participating in family get togethers and my withdrawal from their lives, however, I can only request so many times, can’t I?  For I too get tired of trying to live up to what someone else thinks I should be doing or being.  While I’m not trying to be melodramatic, I’d just like some support from those I believe should be the most supportive of me as I work to put the pieces of my live back together.  But what I’ve found is that in this, like much of my life, I am alone.  Unless I comply with certain demands on my time and behavior, I am alone.

I chose not to live my life that way.  I have come to far in this journey to have someone dictate or try to manipulate me into doing that which I am not willing to do any longer.  My past has brought me to the place where I am right now, while I can honor each experience, I will no longer allow myself to pay attention to those things or people who do not serve my higher purpose, of which I’m still not sure, but I’m here for some reason, I need to find and fulfill that purpose.  Regardless of how anyone else feels about what I am to do, in my family that is.

I believe that I have created a family for myself that is supportive of my journey through life.  They are those who are caring for me, supporting and listening to me, even if I don’t know they are.  They make me feel safe and secure in their presence.  Like Betsy did.  And I believe I’ve found a partner who is doing the same for me too.  Although he lives a distance from me, he is the most magnificent man I’ve ever met.  His name is Gregory, he has shown me kindness, acceptance, caring, interest, and love in ways that I can’t begin to express.  I really wasn’t sure I would ever find someone that I could love that would love me back, just how I am.  But I think we’ve found in each other the right combination of stuff that works for us.  I respect him and how he is right now and promise to never want to change him.

Out of this great pain I have, I’ve been working so hard to build a newness.  Not forgetting where I’ve been, I can never forget that, it’s always right there, just ready to peek out, tears ready to fall.  But I also realize that it is ok to try to live my life again, without Betsy, and still love her.

This entry was posted on December 13, 2015. 2 Comments

depression is settling on me again.

I’ve been noticing that I’ve been feeling more and more depressed in the last few days and I’m not really sure why..sure, some things have happened, but nothing really horrible enough to make me lose the good feelings that I’ve been having the past few months, but perhaps I am recognizing that this is Betsy’s birthday month…the month she would have turned 27…

My memories of her birth are vivid, as if it had occurred yesterday..I could retell that story in such detail, picturing the events as if no time had passed. I also have so many memories of all the birthday parties that she and I planned, the ones just with family and then with her friends..

This year, her birthday falls on Thanksgiving, I don’t want it to come. I don’t know what I’m going to do that day, it was her favorite holiday because of mashed potatoes..she’d eat so many mashed potatoes..and turkey..and she’d always have to have an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, one with oreo cookies and cream filling..last year, my friend Sarah went there with me to have some ice cream with me. But this year, who will even remember her or talk to me about her or let me honor her..I feel so sad that I can’t just bring her up or set a place for her at our table..I’ll probably just stay home alone again this year. I hate that my holidays have turned out to be like this..instead of all of us being together we are all spread apart and I’m alone. But I don’t want to be part of the crazy, can’t talk about my daughter like she didn’t exist stuff. It kills me that they all act like she was never around. And for my mother to say, she’s over it and found her peace, well, good for her…glad she can just wipe her mind of my Betsy, but I can’t. Never will..

No wonder I feel this way..I wish I had millions of dollars so I could just go away for the next two months…or longer…..

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

Finally…

I had a dream last night, this morning, where I finally could see and hear Betsy..it began with me having breakfast with some friends, but then one of them and I went back to the diner to have lunch, right away..strange, but the hostess told us to sit at the bar, not a booth, and when I went to the corner end of the bar, there she was..with her long, blond hair, sunny smile, beautiful blue eyes..she was wearing a long sleeved top that had some design on it with rainbows..it was sparkly..She told me she was lonely and I told her that I was so sorry about that as I took her hand, then I asked her if she could hang out with Aunt Irene or Uncle Tony or my grandparents, but she said they were always busy playing cards with all these other people, like Kennedy, I forget who else. Then I asked her if she couldn’t find some other younger people like herself to hang out with…and then my dog, Sophie, started to bark, I woke up a bit, don’t know what happened.

It was just like those talks we always would have..oh, and she had a bowl of mashed potatoes…she just loved mashed potatoes..not sure what this means..but it was nice to see and hear her..

Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

More Thinking and Obsessing, I Think…I’m Sure I’m Obsessing..

So, I really wish I could talk to Betsy, she always gave such good advice to me, don’t know how she was so smart, sometimes I’d like to think it was from me, but I know better. So, I’ve been thinking long and hard about how I’ve been feeling about this man I really like and how I told him that I would like him to be more communicative with me and that I deserve that and not to just feel as if I’m chasing him and waiting for him to decide when he wants to see me…and how he said he was away seeing his grandfather who was ill..now that may be true, but I really did send the message because we met on a dating site and I’d received a message from someone and was going to check it and noticed that he was online. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, however, I’d sent him a text before and he never responded to me. He’d told me that he’d always respond, that it was just his way, I guess I got angry and hurt that he was checking out the web site, but didn’t have time to text me. So, I sent him the message about not just trying to chase after him and just being there for him because I felt sort of stupid that I thought maybe he was busy or working, and there he was, just choosing not to answer and on the dating web site. Now, maybe he was away and still doing that, but in the end, he was on there, I have been feeling terrible all day about asking to be treated like a normal human being, with respect and dignity instead of just being…a nothing..I’m still not really sure what it all means…I think I know what I’d tell my daughter. But we aren’t even at a point where we are saying we’re dating exclusively or anything..I do like him and am attracted to him, but I don’t want to be doing all the work either…nor do I want to just distrust someone due to my past issues…cause the truth of the matter is, I really don’t know what the truth is from his end and he has been nothing be polite, kind, and treated me very well…so just because I’d like more time from him and can’t have it now, doesn’t mean anything, does it??

Betsy would tell me I’m being crazy, I think…The rational part of me, says that I have enough things to do here at home, without worrying about spending too much time on worrying about someone else all the time..I need to worry about me, and then enjoy the time we have and see where things go. Unless I screwed it up..so, there it goes…up to the Creator…let it go as the song says…and as I’ve learned in Kabbalah…my ego is talking, worry about my friends, the ones I’ve let go of for too long…things will work out in the plan, I have no control..<3 <3 <3

Reflections about me…

It’s been quite some time since I wrote, not that I’ve not thought about Betsy, but because I’ve been trying to rebuild a life for me.  A newer life that makes me feel content using the skills and competencies I’ve been learning in therapy.  I’ve needed to attend therapy for a number of reasons, none of them really matter now, they’ve all made me the person I am today.  Many of those things created an insecure person who had trouble being assertive.  But that’s not me now.

I’ve been in a new walking group, started a new way of eating to improve my health overall, and been exercising a bit differently.  I’ve also cut ties with some people who I used to spend a lot of my time with.  Mostly I did that because that person was just not doing me any good at all and was not really supportive of me.  I finally got to a point where I just could not take any more of the careless way in which I was being treated.  I still do call once a week, but really don’t care to do more than that.  Is it a bit lonely at times, maybe, but I’d rather be here at my home by myself than fake being with someone who just wants me there so she isn’t alone.

I have also started to become more assertive at work, not in a mean way, but just to ask for what I’d like and to follow through to make sure I’m getting it.  I am still actively searching for other work, I have two job prospects and I truly pray one of them will work out for me.

I did join a dating web site.  Met one man who was really into his money and business, and was more worried about my weight than his own.  While I understand that I’m not the skinniest woman out there, I’m doing well with losing..lost about 18 pounds this summer, I’m on my way to losing weight, I never lied about where I was and figure that was really his problem, not mine.  So, we are not seeing each other.  Now there’s another guy, who I’m kind of crazy about, but I also have to be patient too, right, because it’s sort of new, since about mid- to end of July, and we do talk throughout the week and are able to get together once a week at least.  But I get nervous if I send a message and don’t hear back from him…especially if it could be a day or two..I know that might sound crazy, I have lots of things to do..dissertation anyone..and we’re not serious, we really just met..but I act like a crazy person…I just need to cut it out…and take care of what I have to do..cause it doesn’t mean anything.  Betsy would smack me on the head something silly…and right now, this is too good to mess up…and that’s enough for now, isn’t it???

And speaking of her, I realized a few days ago, that this November she would have turned 27….and that breaks my heart, because all her friends have been getting married, starting to have children..and she’ll always be 21…while I’m so happy for them, my heart breaks for her and for me.  I have nothing left of her, but my memories..some photos..and when I’m gone who will remember both of us…life is so short and we have so little time together, it’s so important to have someone to share it with.  I want that for everyone, even for me.  I love, my dear Betsy, miss you so much..<3 <3 <3, Mama Deafy