Just realized that I need to spend some time sifting through my thoughts, I’ve been so down in the dumps the past few months. It seems like I’m on a path to nowhere. Nothing has gone well since Betsy died. I’m not sure if it’s just me being depressed or if I’m just having a rough time of things now and feel overwhelmed. I guess those of both the same things.
I should be grateful that I have some very good friends who support me. And I have two dogs and a cat who love me too. I love them a lot too. They have kept me going in some ways. My family, small as it is, helps me too. But I don’t feel connected to many other people right now. I still am not sure what my goals are, where my life is going, and how I’m going live like this for the rest of my life. I’m still seeing a therapist, I have some more copying skills, however, the fact of the matter is, surviving Betsy is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live with in my life. I hide it well, I suppose that many of us who have experienced this are good at hiding the feelings we live with everyday. It’s as if you cut out your heart and nobody notices or can focus their time and energy for a long enough time to help you deal with it. I spent so much time alone after Betsy died, that I think I learned to just shove my feelings about it aside in many ways. I’m thankful I had a lot of time off from work to deal with the immediate shock and mind numbing grief that occurred that first year, but as time has gone on its almost like she never existed. She exists for me, in photographs, my memories, but she doesn’t live on for me because I don’t talk about her enough. June 23rd is quickly approaching and I recognize that I am more focused on her death because this year’s June 23rd marks the 7th year that she’s been gone. SEVEN years…let that sink in a bit..a long time, but really a short time in terms of a lifetime I may have left.
Maybe if I had more goals or drive or something that I felt to live for. I struggle to find that. Many times I don’t even want to finish my dissertation. I’m too hard on myself when I make mistakes, have such high expectations that I feel crushed when I don’t meet them. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything right now, just wallowing in self-pity. I get overwhelmed with all I have to do, the house, the pets, the dead-end job, the excess weight, the paper that never ends, the loneliness, the money issues..nothing I expected to happen, but all have happened since she died. If only I could wipe it all away and get a fresh start somehow. But then I still have my grief to deal with and how does one really “deal” with the death of their only child? Their dreams, hopes, and future??? How and what do I replace them? I’m tired of looking within, I don’t think the answers are there. But I know that in the end we all are alone in this type of journey..I hate it. I hate my life right now so I guess it’s up to me to find the courage and strength to change things. I wish I had a crystal ball to know where I will be in a few more months..but right now, everything still hurts.
I love you Betsy…Always ❤