When people talk about their goals for the future, I wonder about what mine really are, it seems like its a simple question, but for me it really isn’t. Since Betsy died, I’ve felt like I’m in a state of nowhere, just existing, coasting through my life adrift without her. My biggest goal was to complete my doctoral degree and I’m closer to that, but not really sure why anymore. I feel like I’m plodding through it, but have gone too far to quit, I’ve got three decent chapters done, just need to revise them. My study is approved, so I just have to get those 3 chapters done, meet with my committee and do my study. Then collect data, analyze it, and write up the last 2 chapters.
It is close to being done, but then where do I go? And what do I do? I’m not really sure that I want to teach any longer, I’m tired of it and want more time to just figure it out. But, I have a house, a cat, and two dogs to take care of, I can’t just drop out of sight from the world, nor am I sure that I want to do that. Betsy and I had plans for life long term. I’d teach at a college close to where she was working. At some point we would go on Semester at Sea together, since she loved it so much, but I’d be teaching and she’d be my family member. We wouldn’t be living here in Pittsburgh, but would be together. I could help watch her kids, my grandchildren..
But now, I’m not really sure what I want to do. I’m so tired. But I know I need something to help me move forward through life. I’m just not sure that my heart is in to teaching any longer, but I’ve got no clue as to what else I can do at this point in my life. I know I want to be making more money so I’m not struggling any more. I need to be doing something positive that helps me feel good about myself, that isn’t frustrating too. I just don’t know what that is, I wish I could have Betsy’s advice. Although, I realize that if she didn’t have her accident, I would be in a different place. The loss of her life has been the most defining moment in my life. I remember saying that she was my anchor, I need an anchor, how do I find one within myself?