More Thinking and Obsessing, I Think…I’m Sure I’m Obsessing..

So, I really wish I could talk to Betsy, she always gave such good advice to me, don’t know how she was so smart, sometimes I’d like to think it was from me, but I know better. So, I’ve been thinking long and hard about how I’ve been feeling about this man I really like and how I told him that I would like him to be more communicative with me and that I deserve that and not to just feel as if I’m chasing him and waiting for him to decide when he wants to see me…and how he said he was away seeing his grandfather who was that may be true, but I really did send the message because we met on a dating site and I’d received a message from someone and was going to check it and noticed that he was online. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, however, I’d sent him a text before and he never responded to me. He’d told me that he’d always respond, that it was just his way, I guess I got angry and hurt that he was checking out the web site, but didn’t have time to text me. So, I sent him the message about not just trying to chase after him and just being there for him because I felt sort of stupid that I thought maybe he was busy or working, and there he was, just choosing not to answer and on the dating web site. Now, maybe he was away and still doing that, but in the end, he was on there, I have been feeling terrible all day about asking to be treated like a normal human being, with respect and dignity instead of just being…a nothing..I’m still not really sure what it all means…I think I know what I’d tell my daughter. But we aren’t even at a point where we are saying we’re dating exclusively or anything..I do like him and am attracted to him, but I don’t want to be doing all the work either…nor do I want to just distrust someone due to my past issues…cause the truth of the matter is, I really don’t know what the truth is from his end and he has been nothing be polite, kind, and treated me very well…so just because I’d like more time from him and can’t have it now, doesn’t mean anything, does it??

Betsy would tell me I’m being crazy, I think…The rational part of me, says that I have enough things to do here at home, without worrying about spending too much time on worrying about someone else all the time..I need to worry about me, and then enjoy the time we have and see where things go. Unless I screwed it, there it goes…up to the Creator…let it go as the song says…and as I’ve learned in Kabbalah…my ego is talking, worry about my friends, the ones I’ve let go of for too long…things will work out in the plan, I have no control..<3 <3 <3

Reflections about me…

It’s been quite some time since I wrote, not that I’ve not thought about Betsy, but because I’ve been trying to rebuild a life for me.  A newer life that makes me feel content using the skills and competencies I’ve been learning in therapy.  I’ve needed to attend therapy for a number of reasons, none of them really matter now, they’ve all made me the person I am today.  Many of those things created an insecure person who had trouble being assertive.  But that’s not me now.

I’ve been in a new walking group, started a new way of eating to improve my health overall, and been exercising a bit differently.  I’ve also cut ties with some people who I used to spend a lot of my time with.  Mostly I did that because that person was just not doing me any good at all and was not really supportive of me.  I finally got to a point where I just could not take any more of the careless way in which I was being treated.  I still do call once a week, but really don’t care to do more than that.  Is it a bit lonely at times, maybe, but I’d rather be here at my home by myself than fake being with someone who just wants me there so she isn’t alone.

I have also started to become more assertive at work, not in a mean way, but just to ask for what I’d like and to follow through to make sure I’m getting it.  I am still actively searching for other work, I have two job prospects and I truly pray one of them will work out for me.

I did join a dating web site.  Met one man who was really into his money and business, and was more worried about my weight than his own.  While I understand that I’m not the skinniest woman out there, I’m doing well with losing..lost about 18 pounds this summer, I’m on my way to losing weight, I never lied about where I was and figure that was really his problem, not mine.  So, we are not seeing each other.  Now there’s another guy, who I’m kind of crazy about, but I also have to be patient too, right, because it’s sort of new, since about mid- to end of July, and we do talk throughout the week and are able to get together once a week at least.  But I get nervous if I send a message and don’t hear back from him…especially if it could be a day or two..I know that might sound crazy, I have lots of things to do..dissertation anyone..and we’re not serious, we really just met..but I act like a crazy person…I just need to cut it out…and take care of what I have to do..cause it doesn’t mean anything.  Betsy would smack me on the head something silly…and right now, this is too good to mess up…and that’s enough for now, isn’t it???

And speaking of her, I realized a few days ago, that this November she would have turned 27….and that breaks my heart, because all her friends have been getting married, starting to have children..and she’ll always be 21…while I’m so happy for them, my heart breaks for her and for me.  I have nothing left of her, but my memories..some photos..and when I’m gone who will remember both of us…life is so short and we have so little time together, it’s so important to have someone to share it with.  I want that for everyone, even for me.  I love, my dear Betsy, miss you so much..<3 <3 <3, Mama Deafy

Good Places

From 9-4-13

The past week or three has been pretty good for me.  I never thought I’d be able to say that again.  But here I am, looking at Betsy’s photos with her friends and feeling sadness, but not overwhelmed right now.  I’m very proud of myself for the work I’ve been doing to get to this point because it hasn’t been easy to get to this point.  I know I’m still a work in progress, but I’m much stronger mentally than I’ve ever been in my life.

I even gained a bit when I went to Weight Watchers this morning and didn’t feel devastated by it.  I tried to figure out what I did, I knew some things but had forgotten others because I didn’t track everything.  That’ll teach me not to track.  I just realize it’s just a number, I’ve made some big changes and this isn’t the end of the road for me, I will lose the weight and get to my goal.  I knew I was hungrier this week, so I ate.  Also got my period, was hoping to skip like last month, but I didn’t.  No biggie, I can’t control everything.  I don’t have control of most things but have to be able to cope with what comes at me.  That is the key.

I’m also learning how valuable it is to put the past behind me.  While I chose to honor those experiences, I do not need to focus on the negative events and let them shape my now or my future.  For example, I don’t need to think about exactly what injuries Betsy had after her accident, because as her mother it is torturous for me; I can’t change it; and isn’t the way I want to remember her.  If I allow that moment to be placed away somewhere inside of me, I can have more space to remember the interesting, amazing, humorous, frustrating, confounding things she would do.  She would amaze me every moment of every day of her life.  Those of the times I would like to remember, not that one memory.  I know I’ll never forget that pain, but I don’t have to relive it or focus on it.  And I also know that sometimes I will cry like my heart is broken, because it is.  But it’s not broken every day, I’m starting to be able to live a bit again and I’m content with that.

Last Conversations…

Thursday marked another sad day for me, remembering another month that Betsy’s been gone.  I miss her more and more each day, although I’ve found a group online that is for parents who lost all or their only child, I still wish I had someone to talk to more often about her.  Someone who knew her and could laugh with me about things we did together.  Or just about the times we had or they had with her, she was really so special.

I’m also learning that I need to really stop talking to my mom, either all together or about anything that matters to me.  She just isn’t the kind of person to really be concerned enough about me and what I want to say things that are supportive or offer advice.  She still won’t talk about Betsy and with many other things she cuts me off and gives some bullshit response that is fake.  I’ve finally realized that my hope that she can listen will never happen even though I’ve asked and keep trying.  So, it’s me driving myself insane by doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

I’ve sat here for a large part of the day, thinking about her place in my life.  I can feel respect for her for giving me life.  But we really don’t have a deep connection with each other like she assumes we do.  This is hard though because it’s my mom, however, my entire family is split apart and for many reasons it’s due to her behavior.  I really don’t want to allow myself to be adversely affected by her behavior any longer.  I’m not angry any more, nor sad, just done with it.  I don’t want to play that game anymore.

I need to be connected with people who can be honest with their feelings and can give to others, not just take.  I want to be like that, I don’t want to be like judgmental or bitter but long experience tells me that only I can change.  I want to be able to live my life with real people.  So, I’m glad I’ve found an online community to share my thoughts.  And I need to recommit myself to my BB lessons again.  Betsy is always with me in some way, I can feel it.  Additionally, I need to connect with those who do care and support me, not just stay isolated.

<3 <3 <3

Still in disbelief…

June 23, 2015 marked five years since Betsy’s fatal accident and I think I find myself in a state of shock all over again.  I’m stunned to feel this way, but I just can’t believe that she is gone.  And it’s so unfair.  She didn’t deserve to die so young, she didn’t have an easy life, having her dad not around and just me.  We loved each other so much, but that didn’t make things perfect all the time.  Now, my life feels like it has no meaning at all.  I try to get through each day, but I struggle to really care about things that are truly important and focus on dumb things that don’t really matter to me personally.  Things that I can’t change or have any involvement about.  I’m so tired and so lonely.  I wish that I could still talk to her about my day or hear her talk about her day.  People just can’t understand how difficult it is to one day have a child and the next she is gone forever…my whole life was built around my daughter, to have her gone is still shocking to me at some level.  The depth of missing her is like nothing I’ve ever felt or experienced before in my life.  It’s just horrible, I feel like I’m just existing, not really living.  Something has to change, because I can’t stand this.

Mother’s Day, for the 4th Time…

So, today was the 4th time I spent Mother’s Day without my dear, fabulous daughter being physically with me, I miss her exuberance and joy and deep love we shared, but I found myself touched by lovely messages from unexpected people who let me know how much they miss her too.  And I also received some mother’s day greetings from those people and my sister, they understand that I’m still a mom and can be wished a Happy Mother’s day.  The other’s in my family, whom I desperately want to acknowledge my motherhood and loss, are not able to do that, and I can’t be angry with them, they are grieving in their own ways too.  However, they just keep disappointing me because they cannot support me or treat me like I’d like to be treated, even though I’ve asked.

In spite of that bit, I felt loved and cared for today.  I feel grateful to have people who still think of Betsy, remember that I need to hear their memories of her and know that I contributed to her life.  But, I really would have loved a hug from her today.  She was a great hugger.  The lack of human contact in my life is hard, especially from her, so I have to be content with doggie cuddles and kisses, and those from my kitty cat too.  For now, they help, but nothing is like a Betsy hug.  Love you forever Betsy <3 <3 <3

Am I still a mom?

This will be the 4th Mother’s Day without my Betsy, so hard to believe.  I worked today with a group of Kindergarten kids, helping them to make a small gift for their mom’s.  It did help me a bit, but then my boss called and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, even though she knew it would be hard for me.  I’ve been trying to not think about the day, mostly because I’ve been so busy working, two jobs, but it really hit me , hard.  My life has been turned upside down and I’m struggling to make my life work again, with the help of the Creator.  I feel as I’m just on a treadmill going nowhere.  I work hard to keep it inside, but I do miss her so much.  I feel so lonely without her.  I can’t even express how lost I feel nor how without direction I feel, I just wish I new how to get myself started with a new job that made me feel valued and purposeful again.  I lost almost everything after she died, my career too, I’m just hanging on by a thread.  I need help from above, big help.  Hopefully, he will help me find my purpose in life so I can make meaning of it and not be here in vain.

But the big question I have, am I still am mom?  What do I tell people when they ask if I have kids?  I want to say yes, but I have to explain because then there are always more questions about the “kids”, another toughie that I just realized makes this hard.  Because not only is it uncomfortable for me, but it gets uncomfortable for the others too.  One of the reasons I stay isolated is because it’s hard for me to not be able to talk about Betsy.  I feel, sometimes, like I’m losing my memories of her because I don’t feel free to talk about her.  It’s a sad thing I’ve found about the death of a child, at least for me.  Perhaps, I need to go back to the support group so I can learn how to deal with it or find others that I can talk with about Betsy.  I need to do something because I’m not moving forward, just staying stagnant.

I love you Betsy <3 <3 <3