another long lonely day…

Even though I made it through yesterday, I still feel so lonely. Perhaps I made a mistake not going back to work after the holidays. I do have a lot of work to do for school, but I’m finding myself just feeling like none of this matters. No matter how much I try to pretend that things will get better, they are really not. I’m still alone. Just me and two dogs. The people who were calling to check on me have stopped calling. My days stretch out into nothing but classwork, thinking of Betsy, and fretting about what will happen to me as I get older. I don’t want to be by myself. But the reality is, I am and it is very unlikely that I will meet anyone to share my life with at this point. So, how do I face growing old alone, without Betsy and no one else with me. Knowing that even my dogs will be gone someday.

I work so hard for school, getting my degree, but for what, who is really going to care, what is it going to mean? And does it really matter? For that matter, why am I still here?

8 months

Today, at 1:30, it was 8 months that Betsy has been dead.  8 months since I’ve heard her sweet voice, felt her hug, kissed her, listened to her problems, had her help me with my papers…had dinner with her, talked to her after she came home from work.  It’s seemed so long but I know its been such a short time, the rest of my life looms in front of me without her.  She is not replaceable, I’ll always have a part of me missing.

Yet, most days I find myself going on with my work, studying, writing, planning to return to work next year.  I even looked at the state adoption page yesterday, there are so many children who need a parent, maybe that could happen sometime, just not right now.  I’m too busy with school and I need more time to heal a bit.

I wonder how long I will just feel lost though.  I still feel purposeless.  And I still want to find a partner for myself.