3 days to THE day…

as anxious as I felt last week, is as calm as I feel this week. I think this is partly due to the amount of homework and other activities I’ve planned to keep myself busy this week. I’ve had to fight the urge to just lay on the couch or on her bed all day, but I have to get my work done for class on Friday and Saturday.

I have a Celebrate Betsy get together planned for Thursday, the day of her death. Right now, about 27 people are coming. I might need to order some more food. I always worry that I won’t have enough. But I’m pleased that so many are able to make it to support me and remember her with me and my family. I am going to have a balloon launch, if they want they can write a message then we’ll let ’em go. I think it will be a nice way to remember her.

I feel good about it now. I’m tired now because of all the homework. But relieved that it’s all almost done. Just one more thing to do, then get ready for the party.

I just can’t believe a year has gone by, how did it go so fast. I miss her voice.

June 11

This month has been hard for me, in 12 days, on the 23rd, it will be the 1st anniversary of my beautiful daughter’s death. I’ve felt so sad and depressed the last few days, almost like I was in the fall. I just don’t care about anything right now. I guess that’s alright since I have been strong for a long time, I can fall to pieces for part of the time.

I just keep thinking about the day, coming home and she wasn’t here. Calling and getting no answer, then seeing the accident on the news website. Knowing it was my car, even though no names were mentioned, I knew it was my car and that she was dead. It was the right time, the right place, and right car. I saw the car, I can’t get that image out of my mind. How careless of the news to put a close-up photo on the internet. AS if my imagination and experience working in a trauma unit wouldn’t have been enough for me. And to find out that way, but I need to find some way to focus on something else. I just miss her so much, like any other parent in my situation does. So, I have to give myself some time to grieve, then keep going on and be strong for her because that’s what she’d want me to do. I just wish I knew why I’m here and she isn’t.

I love you Betsy…

Reflections In the Early Morning…

It’s 3:52 am, I should be sound asleep, but I’m bothered by not only my own grief but the arguments that occur during some normal family events. This is not with me, thank goodness, although it has happened early in my extended family’s grief journey. But in the outside circle of my immediate family there is some insensitive sorts of family things happening over what should be a wonderful, happy occasion.

My brother’s niece is getting married soon, her father’s new wife is making some demands to be introduced as her mother. But her mother is still alive, raised her…you get the idea. I feel so badly for the girl, because I’ve know this family for more than 25 years and known the girl most of her life too.

I suppose what’s bothering me is that while they should be overjoyed at celebrating they are fighting and making their daughter’s happiest time of her life miserable because of their small demands. This woman wasn’t that girl’s mom and never will be. They are lucky to be have their child and to be planning her wedding and not planning a memorial garden like I am. Although, I’m not sure the father is aware of what happened or perhaps his perspective might be a bit different, but probably not. But I’d trade places with them in a second and do anything to have my baby back and by planning a wedding instead…